Here at the PTDC World Headquarters we’re constantly striving to bring you and your clients the next best thing in exercise instruction. The following is a story of how I learnt the secret to teaching a perfect squat. Sit back and enjoy… The secret of the Squatting Baby
The Ugly Squat
We go through more bags of mail in a day than Santa Claus gets in the month and December here at the PTDC. Luckily I’ve got a team of sorter monkeys to organize them into importance. By far the biggest issue trainers have is that they’ve got no clue how to get their clients to squat properly.
To be honest we didn’t know the answer either until one day a picture of a baby surfaced on the internet. This babies form was exquisite. Neutral head, strong lumbar curve, weight on heels, knees tracking properly, torso upright, and a below parallel squat!
It became clear that this baby had the answer we’ve all been looking for so I did the only sensible thing: I Traveled the world to find him. It was a grueling journey. Everybody’d seen the picture but nobody knew the origin. Just as i was about to give up I received a lead that gave me life.
Squatting baby had been spotted on the corn fields of Nebraska!
I quickly hopped on a plane to Nebraska and saw squatting babies everywhere. They were the backbone of the corn farming industry! It was a squatters paradise. Every single baby’s form was perfect. This was it — the end of my journey. I knew the answer had to be lurking around somewhere.
I spent the next month eating corn and speaking to farmers. I finally found out the secret to the HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup) industry and I couldn’t wait to tell the World how this stuff is being produced so cheaply.
What I learnt surprised me. Nebraskan farmer’s were exploiting baby labor to harvest their crops. It turned out that a baby could learn a perfect squat in minutes with very minimal corporal punishment.
I was flabbergasted. While I don’t condone these practices I immediately commissioned the PTDC lab to undergo a study into whether corporal punishment of adult clients will get them to squat better.
The results were astounding!
The study consisted of 110 participants. 55 were placed in the corporal punishment group and 55 in the control. The ages of participants was 30-65. They all had desk dweller jobs.
97% of the corporal punishment group achieved a perfect squat within 10 minutes of the technique as opposed to 0% of the control.
It turned out that the most effective way to use corporal punishment is immediately after the client demonstrates the squat for the first time. It’s important to not let them develop bad habits. A slight tap with the back of the hand sufficed in 83% of the success group. 12% needed two slaps and the remaining 2% needed 3+ slaps but still completed the perfect baby squat within the required 10 minutes.
I hope my story’s helped you and you’ll go into the gym Monday knowing that a perfect squat is only 1-2 slaps away.
The secret of the squatting baby is a false story. I never traveled to Nebraska nor gave more than 2 seconds of thought into the squatting baby picture until now. The PTDC also doesn’t condone corporal punishment either on babies or clients. Happy April Fools!